waiting because sometimes that’s all you can do
I wrote this a few days ago but would first like to add that this is a post on the reality of depression. The fear and the pain and the darkness that sits on your chest. It’s upsetting. It’s deep (dude). But hopefully it will both give light to those who are struggling to face this darkness and shed light on something that hurts so many. (read til the end - I promise it will get better)
And I keep asking myself when it will get better. when I’ll let go. when I’ll stop living life in fear of falling back into the abyss.
when will I move on?
when will I learn to live again?
I feel like I should be able to stand up and push it away. I feel like I should be strong enough to fight this. But when you’ve been fighting for years - getting trapped caught between living life and the predictability that depression has grown to become, you don’t want to have to be strong. You’re tired of having to be strong. Tired of having to fight. Tired of being trapped in this cycle allowing you glimmers of what life could be before whisking you back into the darkness once more.
You can tell me to meditate, to breathe, to romanticise life. But I’m tired. When it takes all my energy to get out of bed, to take my meds, to eat, to leave the house, meditation and deep breathing feel impossible. Sure, it would help but it can’t help when I can’t do it. I try to be grateful, to appreciate the little things, before the intrusive thoughts come crashing in. Playing music at the loudest volume to drown out the thoughts. Screaming, crying, panicking - but it doesn’t work, it never will. I want a quick fix and I know that that’s not possible. But I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting just to be knocked back down again. I’m tired of feeling like the fight isn’t worth it. I’m tired of being hounded by intrusive thoughts, ideations and urges. It’s tiring, it’s terrifying, and it hurts.
But before you put this down and wonder why I’ve written something so fucking depressing, please listen to my point.
My point is it can feel horrible, I can be in pain and it can feel never ending. But deep down, i know that this feeling will pass. I know that I’ve experienced this before and I’ve survived that. I’ve even enjoyed the life I’ve lived once I got through it. And as hopeless as it feels, as painful, as scary, as worthless, I know that someday I will live again and I know that I want to be around to see that day. It’s a feeling that has taken over my life but it’s a feeling, not reality - and as with all feelings soon it will be over and I can laugh genuinely again. Soon it will be over and I’ll have deep convos with my friends. Soon it will be over and I’ll give out hugs and feel things wholly and appreciate the world around me.
When you’re in the eye of the storm it can feel like you only have two options: to live normally or to give up entirely. But what if waiting was an option. Waiting for the storm to pass. Doing things to help it pass, of course, but when it’s really bad sometimes you just have to knuckle down and wait it out. So here I am, waiting. Will you wait with me too?
