when you miss your eating disorder

sometimes I miss the security that the ED offered me. sometimes I miss the decisions being black or white. sometimes I miss the responsibility being taken away from me. the predictability. the numbness.

but then I feel cold and I remember the constant shivering: sitting in front of a heater until the plastic melted and, yet, never being able to warm up. then I crave something and go and get what I want and remember the effort it took to suppress those signals. I go out on walks and remember the weakness that used to settle in my bones. I meet up with friends and remember the forced conversations and ingenuine smiles. I look up at the trees and remember feeling so detached from that feeling of awe and gratitude. I forget the time and remember counting down the minutes until I could eat again. I feel hungry and remember having that feeling gnawing at my stomach all day - the only feeling I felt I could truly rely on. I get into bed and remember checking my heart rate - scared I wouldn’t make it through to the morning.

I would have given anything those nights to stop that cycle of perpetual fear. I would have given anything to join in on the life I knew I was missing out on. I prayed for recovery. I hoped for change.

All in all, that view that you have of your eating disorder is rose-tinted. Missing your ED is another trap to push you back into that spiral of pain and confusion and self-doubt. The freedom that you have been given may seem scary but it’s a sign of a life that may finally feel worth living. The confusion and grey areas; the days of feeling uncomfortable; the guilt. It may feel impossible to face but I’d rather face that than face spending another day trapped, lifeless, in the midst of my ED.